i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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