That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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