Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
zippers are such a cool invention
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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