watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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