we have pet lesbian snakes
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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