mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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