oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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