things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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