I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
