Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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