Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
