Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
