The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
