Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
