i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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