You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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