i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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