bring money and cleavage
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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