They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
