At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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