break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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