we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
