Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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