Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
