You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
