this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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