please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
