fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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