She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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