you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
