At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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