Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is the high leading the old right now
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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