i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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