last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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