Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish you could order shots online.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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