God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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