There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
