the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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