do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
