does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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