I didn't shave. On purpose
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I forget how to act sober
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
