Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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