I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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