i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
