Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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