I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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