Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
