Rock
Scissors
Fuck
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
