:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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