1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
