Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
