My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
