When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
