so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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