I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
