hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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