I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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