when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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