WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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