I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
