I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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